Our Breastfeeding Journey

I was never really appreciative of the fact that I was able to breastfeed both my kids for a little over two years, in fact, in majority of those moments, I felt that breastfeeding was such a burden and I struggled consistently with being the main source of nutrients for my kids. I wanted my time back. I wanted my boobs back. I just wanted my body back. But we saved so much money on formula and when I finally dried up, my kids were eating proper food and having milk and water regularly.

I realise now that I was very fortunate to have been able to breastfeed for as long as I did. That's not to say that it wasn't hard and that I didn't spend many days and nights just crying from the pain, exhaustion or lack of patience and freedom I had, but it was something really beautiful that helped me bond with my baby.

With Ethan, breastfeeding was such a breeze. My milk came in right after birth and he latched immediately. We had no problems whatsoever, but because Blair was 4 weeks early, my milk hadn't come in yet and our journey was a little more trying, if I do say so myself.

I wasn't too worried though because I knew in a matter of hours after birth, I knew it would come rolling through. As if my body would just immediately know that my baby was out and needed to be fed. But because she was technically premature, she had to be sent off to the NICU while I had to heal upstairs in the maternity ward. So I was constantly taking trips down to try to feed her. But the more I tried, the less it was working and the more hungry my baby was getting. Eventually, the baby nurses started suggesting I just give my baby formula, but I was adamant on breastfeeding *only* because it was all I ever knew, and I had the misconception that if my baby had a first taste of formula, that was all she would want - which absolutely isn't the case at all.

We spent a whole day of me trying to wait for my milk to come through, trying to latch her on and seeing if she was getting anything (which she wasn't) and that same night, I had a nurse literally massage my boobs with her hands to get the colostrum going [the first stage of breastfeeding, much thicker milk, is high in protein and minerals.] But still, no such luck. I was so frustrated. Why was my body, my boobs betraying me so much? I was also very hormonal, coming straight from giving birth, so of course, naturally, I'd started crying. 

The reason they couldn't let me take my baby up to the maternity ward and out of the NICU was because she was just a smidge underweight at birth (+ 4 weeks premature.) The nurses kept reminding me that it might be best if I were to just give her formula to get her weight up, and then continue working on the breastfeeding upstairs. After crying to my husband about it for a while, I finally caved and he convinced me that it was what was best for our baby at the time, so we gave her a bottle of formula and she took it down like a champ. And with a few more feeds, the following day, the doctors checked on her weight and she had put on enough for us to finally be able to get her out of the NICU and into the maternity ward with me, hoping to be discharged soon after.

That whole experience sounds so trivial. It was literally only a day and a half, but in the moments after birth, it felt like an entire week. I was so out of the loop when it came to what date or time it was. I just knew I felt like I was failing. But it's important for me to share that with you all because some of you may be currently struggling, or may be nervous about not being able to breastfeed. And trust me, that is so okay. You will be okay, and in the end, you will undoubtedly do what is best for your baby.

Soon after that, the nurses in the maternity ward had me using my breast pump to get my milk going, and without a doubt, it finally was coming through and strong, might I add! My boobs were literally creating the nutrients and healthy anti-oxidants my baby needed, and it was such a relief and so incredible that my body was able to project such a thing from my own body.

She latched on perfectly and it was so quick for us to find the right groove of breastfeeding, together. Don't get me wrong, the first few days are always painful as hell, and I'm pretty sure my nipples cracked and bled for quite a bit, but I was just so happy to be connecting with my baby like that. Nothing else mattered. Days and weeks followed and my milk was definitely here and here to stay. It got to the point where I had to be pumping when she wasn't feeding because my milk would come through and it was so painful where my boobs would go rock hard. So to relieve the pain, pumping was such a necessity and I had literally 4 months worth of milk stored away!

For the longest time, I really hated the fact that I had to give up my body, my boobs and my time to breastfeed my babies. It was annoying and I was frustrated at the fact that we already go through childbirth and then we have to do this too? It felt like my whole world was changing so much and I wasn't nearly prepared for it. But there were also often times where all I wanted to do was be in bed with my baby, breastfeeding. Staring at their cute faces and creating this beautiful, irreplaceable and strong bond.

I think about it now post-breastfeeding and I miss those special moments with my kids. There's honestly nothing like it, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact, if I could do it over, I would do it all exactly the same.

How long you breastfeed doesn't diminish the fact that you did in fact breastfeed, whether it was two months or two weeks. It doesn't erase all of the hard work you went through and it certainly doesn't make you less of a mother. Breastfeeding varies between each mother and baby, and you should never feel like you failed in any type of way if it only lasted a few days. What matters is you did what was best for you and your baby.

This was our breastfeeding story, and I'm happy to have shared it with you all ♡

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!